Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fitting in?

Do you feel like you fit in?

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a crazy roller coaster ride - a confident, strong, independent, capable woman who knows her place in the world one moment but then things happen and the seeds of doubt creep in and I feel like a scared and worried little girl. I think part of this is that I do not know any other single parents - actually I don't know any single people, parents or otherwise and I wish I did. I wish I could talk to someone about the doubts, the lonely feelings, the empty parts because I did have it once. The happiness, the laughter, the warm body next to me at night time, the shoulder to cry on, the strength of a man who took care of me, loved me and was my rock. Now though I'm plauged by the 'what ifs'. What if what happened hadn't?

Would I have a life? Would we not think twice about calling friends to do things on the weekends without worrying about interrupting their 'family' time? Would I hear the quietness of the house at night and every creak and crackle without worrying how I might be able to protect my family? Would I have someone to do the RTA furniture? Would I have someone to change the tyres, check the oil and all that blokey stuff? Would I be invited to things that seem to be 'coupled' friends only events? Would I be a better, happier, less resentful mother? Would I be me? Who knows... but I know that it hurts. It really hurts to have known the happiness that another person can bring to your life but have it taken away. It hurts to go to bed at night, watch something funny on telly and not have anyone to share it with. It feels so empty to watch your child do something for the first time or have them say and/or do something funny, turn around and have no-one to share it with. This sucks.

and George - it's not about the washing.


Michelle said...

It does suck. But I know that you are an amazing woman and loyal to your family and very worthy of admiration (not sympathy - admiration).


knitting sprouts said...

Bec - that is a heartbreaking post. I hadn't realised you were on your own - I am too, though always was. It is a huge responsibility and way too much work to run a house, work, raise kids, and find time for yourself in all that. it does get totally overwhelming at times - and at other times you feel ike wonder woman. I ended up on 'happy pills' to keep me going but most of the time don't feel I can make too much of how hard it can be at times cause I ventured into parenthood knowing I would be doing it alone. I am lucky to have a wonderful network of friends though who are fine with us hanging out with them. Maybe we should get together sometime for some moral support.

Eilleen said...

((hugs)) Bec. You know I've always admired you - you are one of the strongest and generous woman I've known. You were strong and kind before and you are strong and kind now.

... I have lost your email address but just wanted to let you know that I'm back in Canberra. See, now you can say that you *do* know another single parent. (Crappy way to let you know but hell, that's the way it is I guess.) And yes, I can relate to everything you said in your post.

Hugs again.

twitchy fingers said...

Oh Bec, I think we all have those fears about how to look after our family, and if we can balance everything without dropping too many bundles. But I cannot even imagine how hard it is to contemplate all that on your own. Like Michelle said, you deserve so much admiration for being able to juggle everything - study, home, kids and all the rest. And don't be afraid to call on the two parent families - chances are we'll be keen to get a break from too much 'family time'. Kisses

Keely said...

Oh I hear you!! Loud and clear. Especially what you said at the end, seeing your child do all these wonderful things & having no one to turn around and share that with!

The other weekend I was out in my backyard with my daughter & she was playing in the blow up pool for the first time & I was sitting there on this beautiful day watching her play & feeling happy but sad at the same time as I could hear my next door neighbours out eating lunch on their back verandah with their 13 month old son, laughing and playing with him together, talking to each other about the things he was doing. I just sat there wishing so much I had someone there to share it all with too.

So hugs, I know exactly how you feel. It's not all the time, but of course we're going to have moments like this and you just need to accept your thoughts and feeling are normal and allow yourself to experience & deal with them.