Do you feel like you fit in?
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a crazy roller coaster ride - a confident, strong, independent, capable woman who knows her place in the world one moment but then things happen and the seeds of doubt creep in and I feel like a scared and worried little girl. I think part of this is that I do not know any other single parents - actually I don't know any single people, parents or otherwise and I wish I did. I wish I could talk to someone about the doubts, the lonely feelings, the empty parts because I did have it once. The happiness, the laughter, the warm body next to me at night time, the shoulder to cry on, the strength of a man who took care of me, loved me and was my rock. Now though I'm plauged by the 'what ifs'. What if what happened hadn't?
Would I have a life? Would we not think twice about calling friends to do things on the weekends without worrying about interrupting their 'family' time? Would I hear the quietness of the house at night and every creak and crackle without worrying how I might be able to protect my family? Would I have someone to do the RTA furniture? Would I have someone to change the tyres, check the oil and all that blokey stuff? Would I be invited to things that seem to be 'coupled' friends only events? Would I be a better, happier, less resentful mother? Would I be me? Who knows... but I know that it hurts. It really hurts to have known the happiness that another person can bring to your life but have it taken away. It hurts to go to bed at night, watch something funny on telly and not have anyone to share it with. It feels so empty to watch your child do something for the first time or have them say and/or do something funny, turn around and have no-one to share it with. This sucks.
and George - it's not about the washing.
4 months ago