Friday, August 28, 2009

Struggling...

Last post I forgot to mention that I put everyone's name in a hat and the lovely little man pulled out Trudi's name so I'll be in touch soon to organise a little something heading out your way!!

In the recent news - I'm struggling. It's now 3:22am on Saturday morning and I'm wide awake and in tears. I feel the need to share her life with you all.

My nanna was put up for adoption at birth and was taken into a family of two sisters and a brother whom she called Aunty Hilda, Aunty Martha and Paul - they lived on a farm outside Toowoomba where she rode her horse to school and lived the typical life of a farm child during the years of the depression. She tells stories about rationing of food, life before refrigeration and the like. She did her nursing education and met my grandfather but he went off to war and she travelled overseas to do her nursing. They met up and married on their return in Adelaide. I have their wedding picture hanging on my wall as we speak and they look so deliriously happy. She tells me that they moved into their first home with very little money and milk cartons as chairs but that they were so happy and in love that it didn't seem to matter.

Her first child John, was 'difficult' from toddlerhood and never had a good relationship with my grandfather ('poppy'). My mum came along next and then her sister after that who was born early and very small. Poppy worked in the airforce as a flight controller and they moved around quite a bit during his service before finally settling down in Tamworth where they both worked - he at the airport, she at the base hospital. My mum & siblings grew up and moved on but my grandparents took care of my cousin during her infant/school years and continued to juggle work and a little person. They both retired. He became involved in the Masonic movement, Legacy and bowls. Together they volunteered for meals on wheels - I would go with them when I was visiting during the school holidays. My grandparents drove Commodores - early models with the vinyl seats and I'm sure I've lost more than my fair share of skin on them during the baking Tamworth summers!!

I would fly from Brisbane to Tamworth during the school holidays to spend time with them and I have amazingly fond memories of cooking and sewing with nanna. She taught me to sew a pair of shorts as a beginners project, her famous tea cakes and a bunch of other stuff. She is a crafty lady who has the most amazing latch hooked rug in her loungeroom - no pattern just the bits and pieces of left overs from other projects that she hated seeing go to waste. She is so inventive and useful - hates seeing any sort of waste. She tells me that this comes from living through the depression and hard times when you made the most of absolutely everything. She is a thrifty little lady.

As a grew up and became a mother she was always on the end of the phone with advice and a knowing ear with Izaaks teething, fevers, immunisations and while we had some differences of opinions on matters she always loved and supported me. Charlotte came along and nanna has loved her as much as ever. I show her what I'm knitting, she encourages me. I tell her what I'm learning and doing in clinical and we talk about the differences of nursing 50 years ago. She is my rock. She 'gets' me like the rest of my family doesn't. I love her.

I am losing her. Her time on this earth is nearing it's end and I am struggling to deal with this. It hurts. It hurts so much that I wake up at 2:20 in the morning feeling like it hurts so much that I can't breathe. It hurts so much to imagine life without her, without being able to pick up the phone and hear her soothing words, her assurances, her advice and her love. I hope that she has been around long enough to make an impression on my childrens hearts, that they remember her and what an amazing woman she is and was. I'm trying to focus on her going to be with my poppy and remembering that she has lead a very full life, experienced so much but I don't want to let go. I want to hold on forever. and ever. It hurts.

9 comments:

happyspider said...

I'm so sorry :( hang in there.

Lou's Mum said...

I'm very sorry to hear this Bec :( It's so hard to lose someone that you love so much.

Kat said...

oh I have tears in my eyes reading this..many thoughts of strength and love to you, what an amazing woman..

Trudi said...

I am sorry to hear about your Nanna. My Nan and Grandma are both in Adelaide, so I understand how hard it is to be away from them when you just want to be close. It sounds like you have a lot of fantastic memories of her. She must be so pleased to know that you have been inspired by her and want to follow some of the paths in life that she has.
Thinking of you.

knitting sprouts said...

I want my grandma back everyday - and it has been 20 years. I wish wish they could be there for ever - I have so much to talk to her about now that I am a mother myself. I hope you are OK but also know that nothing makes this better - go well lovely woman.

twitchy fingers said...

I sympathise. I can see the same happening with my Nan. And we're so lucky to have had them for so long, to have them be such an integral part of our lives, but that makes it all the harder to lose them. Hugs.

Sam said...

I'm so sorry Bec. Your memories of her are wonderful though, and it sounds like her wisdom will live on with you.

Kylie said...

Thinking of you Bec during this hard time. Thankyou for being so honest and opening your heart to the blogging world. (I followed a link on Knitting Sprouts blog) and could not go past without leaving you a comment. Hugs

Bel xox said...

Hugs and more hugs my friend...it will hurt, and it will hurt for a long time. I've only just started to stop hurting after losing my Grandma 7 years ago.

Make the most of the time that you know you have together...and make sure that if you can, take as many photos now as you can - of everyone together doing as many things as you can think of. You'll treasure those...

xox