Struggling...

Last post I forgot to mention that I put everyone's name in a hat and the lovely little man pulled out Trudi's name so I'll be in touch soon to organise a little something heading out your way!!

In the recent news - I'm struggling. It's now 3:22am on Saturday morning and I'm wide awake and in tears. I feel the need to share her life with you all.

My nanna was put up for adoption at birth and was taken into a family of two sisters and a brother whom she called Aunty Hilda, Aunty Martha and Paul - they lived on a farm outside Toowoomba where she rode her horse to school and lived the typical life of a farm child during the years of the depression. She tells stories about rationing of food, life before refrigeration and the like. She did her nursing education and met my grandfather but he went off to war and she travelled overseas to do her nursing. They met up and married on their return in Adelaide. I have their wedding picture hanging on my wall as we speak and they look so deliriously happy. She tells me that they moved into their first home with very little money and milk cartons as chairs but that they were so happy and in love that it didn't seem to matter.

Her first child John, was 'difficult' from toddlerhood and never had a good relationship with my grandfather ('poppy'). My mum came along next and then her sister after that who was born early and very small. Poppy worked in the airforce as a flight controller and they moved around quite a bit during his service before finally settling down in Tamworth where they both worked - he at the airport, she at the base hospital. My mum & siblings grew up and moved on but my grandparents took care of my cousin during her infant/school years and continued to juggle work and a little person. They both retired. He became involved in the Masonic movement, Legacy and bowls. Together they volunteered for meals on wheels - I would go with them when I was visiting during the school holidays. My grandparents drove Commodores - early models with the vinyl seats and I'm sure I've lost more than my fair share of skin on them during the baking Tamworth summers!!

I would fly from Brisbane to Tamworth during the school holidays to spend time with them and I have amazingly fond memories of cooking and sewing with nanna. She taught me to sew a pair of shorts as a beginners project, her famous tea cakes and a bunch of other stuff. She is a crafty lady who has the most amazing latch hooked rug in her loungeroom - no pattern just the bits and pieces of left overs from other projects that she hated seeing go to waste. She is so inventive and useful - hates seeing any sort of waste. She tells me that this comes from living through the depression and hard times when you made the most of absolutely everything. She is a thrifty little lady.

As a grew up and became a mother she was always on the end of the phone with advice and a knowing ear with Izaaks teething, fevers, immunisations and while we had some differences of opinions on matters she always loved and supported me. Charlotte came along and nanna has loved her as much as ever. I show her what I'm knitting, she encourages me. I tell her what I'm learning and doing in clinical and we talk about the differences of nursing 50 years ago. She is my rock. She 'gets' me like the rest of my family doesn't. I love her.

I am losing her. Her time on this earth is nearing it's end and I am struggling to deal with this. It hurts. It hurts so much that I wake up at 2:20 in the morning feeling like it hurts so much that I can't breathe. It hurts so much to imagine life without her, without being able to pick up the phone and hear her soothing words, her assurances, her advice and her love. I hope that she has been around long enough to make an impression on my childrens hearts, that they remember her and what an amazing woman she is and was. I'm trying to focus on her going to be with my poppy and remembering that she has lead a very full life, experienced so much but I don't want to let go. I want to hold on forever. and ever. It hurts.