Sometimes I doubt myself.
I doubt my ability to be 'me' without another half, my ability to just get out of bed in the morning and function as a human being, I doubt myself as a student - being able to do the readings, prep for the classes, get assignments in on time, juggle prac and classes, my skills and knowledge in a clinical situation. I especially doubted my ability to be a responsible, fun loving mother to my two children. I never had these doubts until 18 months ago but they have plagued me in a very random and frightening way on and off ever since.
Well... today is not one of those days.
I had my mid-semester assessment today. According to my clinical supervisor and feedback from the various RNs that I've been working with, I am performing at a level well above that of which is expected of a 2nd year student. As a 2nd year I should be getting P2/P3s and I got some P1s!!!! She said that I was the stand out of the students in this group. I was really really happy- this placement has challenged me and I've had some shitty days - literally! but I think I may have found my future nursing area. So my learning goals now are to increase my patient load to 3. I'll be the only 2nd year with such a big load! Not sure how I'm going to go with that - It'll be a good challenge for my time management skills. So... yep.... my study doubts were quashed and I was feeling fairly emotional.
I pick up Izaak, one of the other teachers stops me me to say that she is really impressed at how much Izaak has improved. His anger has calmed, his academic skills have risen sharply and that he is a well mannered, polite little man. I wanted to cry.
Get to family day care to collect Charlotte and her carer is trying to write in a folder which keeps folding over onto her so Charli goes over and holds up the folder. Her carer starts telling me that of all the children she has cared for (she has been a carer for 22 years!) Charlotte is the most helpful in that she often sees things and does things to help that children don't generally see. She also comments on her manners and how well her table manners are. I really want to cry now.
So I'm not a hopeless housekeeper, dodgy partner, shitty student and neglectful mother so up yours... I am in fact bloody awesome!
1 month ago